hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
