Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
