Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
