I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
