I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
