In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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