My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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