I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
