We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
