yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
