just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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