Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
