We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
