you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
