hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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