have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
