my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
