i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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