dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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