dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
