it was like eating out sand paper
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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