watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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