My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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