I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
