I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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