My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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