I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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