Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
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