If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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