glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
