I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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