I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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