just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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