this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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