So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
