Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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