Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
