my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
