I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
