Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
