I faked an abortion last night.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
