Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
