in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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