dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
