Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
