heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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