Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize
