every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
