i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i love accidental penises.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
