i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
