I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Do vagina's smell?
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
