Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
