apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
