something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
